FanficQuest
by Carlos DarkCaller
Summary: An overly-intelligent Fierce Hound from Wizard101, along with his master Carlos, enter the world of Fanfiction and battle poor literacy and Mary Sues, seeking to restore order in each story. Hilarity ensues.
1. Jenna

CHAPTER ONE

~Jenna~

What goes on within the world of a fanfiction? What the writer desires of it, correct? But what if an intruder entered a very badly-written fanfic?

I was that intruder once.

My name's Carlos DarkCaller. Originally, I was from a Wizard101 fanfiction called _Bane of the World_. It was relatively well-written, save some required suspension of disbelief and grammatical errors.

But that's nothing compared to what I was about to enter.

For those who had read that fic, you remember my Fierce Hound, Prince Diesel, a small, yet incredibly smart, red-and-black dog who can cast healing magic. He's the reason we're both in this mess.

Within a time-span of 52 hours he had constructed a device that allows transport through fanfiction. How does a dog build anything, you might ask? I just said that our original fanfic requires suspension of disbelief.

As soon as he had built that device, we were whisked away into another world. A blue portal appeared underneath us and, within seconds, we were in a green field, with a castle town not too far ahead of us.

I slowly got off of the ground and looked beside me. Diesel was there, looking at our surroundings. There were mountains a few miles away, and there was a river not too far away.

Diesel seemed to recognize this place, as he was jumping around as if he was excited to be here. _Oh boy, oh boy!_ the dog barked. _I recognize this place! It's... it's HYRULE!_

"Hyrule? You mean, from the _Legend of Zelda _series?" I asked. I wasn't, at the time, a huge Legend of Zelda fan. I knew of the games and had seen Diesel playing _Ocarina of Time_, but I hadn't really gotten to playing any of the games myself.

_Yeah, from Zelda!_ he barked in return. _C'mon, let's go to Castle Town!_

It slowly changed from night to day as we were walking into town. Well, I was walking; Diesel was running like the castle town was made of bacon and turkey. We crossed the moat and entered the town.

_Hmm... That's odd..._ Diesel barked quietly.

"What's odd?" I asked him.

_Well... the town seems... different from the games..._

"Well, this IS a fanfic, not the real thing."

_I know, but..._

He was right, though; from what I remembered about Diesel playing _Ocarina of Time_, the castle town looked very different. It looked more like a Victorian town, although the residents looked mostly like their video game counterparts.

In the center of the fanfic's Castle Town was a merchant's wagon with a pretty young lady standing in front of it. She couldn't have been much older than ten, maybe twelve at most. Around her were a swarm of customers, eager to buy her wares of jewelry and cloth.

Diesel and I became curious and walked towards her as she sold beautiful clothes and necklaces to the residents of Castle Town. Eventually, we got to the front.

"Why, hello there," the young lady said. "Anything you'd like to buy?" Her eyes turned to Diesel and she gasped. "Oh my goddesses, what a cute puppy!"

_Well,_ Diesel barked,_ that's what all the ladies- hey, wait! I am NOT a puppy! I'm a fierce hound, lady!_

She giggled. "He's so cute."

"Thanks," I replied. "So, what are you selling?"

"Well," she said, turning around to her wagon and pulling out a box of necklaces, "I'm having a sale on magical amulets."

"_Magical _amulets?" I asked. How on earth would an ordinary merchant in the _Zelda_ universe get magical amulets?

"That's right!" she exclaimed, picking out a grey stone necklace with a triforce symbol on it. "You'd look great in this one!"

She handed it to me and I put it on.

_Looks nice on you, Carlos!_ Diesel barked.

"Thanks!" I said, looking at all her jewelry and clothing, many of them having the triforce on them. Suddenly, something hit me. Although I wasn't a big _Zelda_ fanatic, I was at least knowledgable on certain topics, such as the Triforce. "Wait a moment, Miss-"

"You can call me Jenna." she said, interrupting me.

"Okay then, Jenna. How come you have the triforce - a sacred symbol which not many people in Hyrule know about - on almost all your stuff?"

She looked scared for a moment, as if I had struck a sensitive point with her. Then she began to yell.

"LOOK, PAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, INSULTING A MERCHANT LIKE THAT! AND A _LADY_ MERCHANT, AT THAT! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR NOT ACTING LIKE AN ADULT AND INSTEAD ACTING LIKE A CHILD!"

"Well, ma'am, I'm only fifteen-"

"YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND NOT CRITICISE EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, YOU PIECE OF-"

"Hey, Jenna, let's not get nasty here-"

"AND HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME, YOU WOLFOS-SCENTED BABOON! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO DO THAT; OR ARE YOU JUST A RETARDED LITTLE KID WHO LOVES TO FLAME EVERYONE HE SEES?"

"Okay, this is starting to get out of hand, madam! You should probably stop yelling like that, okay?"

"OH, WHO CARES IF I YELL? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THAT HALF-BRAINED IDIOTS LIKE YOU DON'T GO AROUND INSULTING EVERYONE HE SEES! GODDESSES!"

"Okay, okay! Look, can't I just pay you for the necklace and get on my way?"

She sighed. "Okay. That'll be 100 Rupees."

"What! One hundred?"

"No more, no less," she said.

I went into my pocket and pulled out some gold coins. "Can I use foreign currency?"

She looked at my gold for a moment, as if pondering to herself. "Is that real gold?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied, and she snatched them from my hand.

"Thank you for your patronage. If you had paid me from the gecko instead of criticising my wares, we could've avoided my ridiculous tirade, now couldn't've we?

"Umm... gecko?"

She glared at me, and I just smiled and walked away.

_Wow,_ Diesel barked. _That must be a character the author hates._

"How do you know?" I asked.

_She was yelling at us in a very unprofessional manner. Also, this is a fanfic, where people can edit their author avatars to make them sound likable before uploading them to the internet. Therefore, I deduce that the girl we encountered - Jenna was her name, yes? - was, most likely a representation of a person that the author despises. Pretty good theory, right Carlos?_

"It's not a good thing when my dog is smarter than me," I said, walking with my eyes closed now.


	2. My Inner Life

CHAPTER TWO

~My Inner Life~

After about ten minutes of walking, we came across an inn. They accepted my gold and Diesel and I got a room. It was nothing special, just a wooden room painted light grey with green curtains which matched the single bed in the center of the room.

Diesel immediately jumped onto the bed and began bouncing on it before curling up on the bed. I looked out the window and saw Castle Town from the second floor of the room. The townspeople seemed in awe of this merchant girl, buying her stuff like there was no tomorrow.

I got into bed with Diesel - that's not what I meant, and you know it! - and slept peacefully that whole night.

When I woke up, I saw Diesel with my magic spellbook* open, pulling things out of it like crazy.

"Diesel! What- what are you doing!" I said, looking at the floor now scattered with my robes, athames, amulets, and other items.

_Looking for the Fan Fiction Portal Device_, he replied hastily. Finally, he pulled out a small tablet-like object with a flashlight-like thing at the top. _Aha! Found it! _he barked as he began tapping the tablet with his paws.

"...You know that _you're_ gonna clean all this up, right?" I said, pointing to the scattered objects all over the floor.

_Yeah yeah yeah, I'll get to that. Right now, I need to find out what fanfic this is..._

I sighed. "Why's that so important?"

_I had a dream last night about that Jenna girl... I think I've heard of her somewhere before..._

Finally, he barked at the screen of the F.F.P.D. in terror. _M-M-My Inner Life! _he barked wildly. _Of all the Zelda fics to get caught into, this is THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. ONE!_

"What's so bad about it?" I asked. "And how can you get internet access on that thing? And in Hyrule, no less!"

_My Inner Life is a horrible Zelda fanfic, about that girl we met yesterday. Jenna... she's a Mary Sue!_

For those of you who don't know, a Mary Sue is a fanfic character that is - usually, but not always - depicted as always correct and perfect in every way. A Sue is defined by what she does to the story, not by her physical or emotional characteristics.

It wasn't long before I realized what Mary Sues actually _do _to the stories, however.

Diesel ran over to the window and looked out it. I followed him and looked out it with him. The residents of Hyrule... suddenly changed, as if they had become older.

_Seven years older..._ Diesel quietly said. _Just like in the fanfic... C'mon, we gotta end this fic fast!_ Diesel ran out of the inn fast, leaving me to clean up his mess...

About thirty minutes later, I ran out of the room to find a man outside the inn.

"Excuse me, sir, but have you seen a black and red dog running through here?" I asked him.

"Why, yes! Yes, I did!" he replied.

There was silence between us.

"Well... could you tell me _where_ he went?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes! Yes, I can! The little guy went towards the castle!"

"Great, thanks!" I told him, and I began to run towards Hyrule Castle.

* * *

><p>I finally caught up with Diesel as he was hiding behind a bush in the gardens of Hyrule Castle. I hid behind it with him.<p>

_Carlos, look over there,_ Diesel barked quietly.

"Where?" I whispered in reply.

_Over there._

"Where?"

_Over there!_

"Over there?"

_Yes, over there! Yeesh, are you blind?_

"No, just a troll."

_Grrr. Now, look, do ya see Link?_

"Umm... Yeah, I see him! Oh, this is so cool!"

_Yeah, I know, right? Well, look who's in front of him._

It was a pretty young woman, about 18 or 20 years old. She was looking into Link's eyes all romantic-like. "I can't tell who she is. Wait..." I began to look at her features closely. "Is that..."

_Jenna_, Diesel quietly barked._ According to the F.F.P.D., Link is asking her out on a date right now._

"What?" I whispered. "How long have they known each other?"

_Right now? About a minute, give or take._

"How on_ earth _does Link fall in love with someone when he's literally just met?"

_...Like you have any room to talk._

I sighed. "Well, you said earlier that we have to end this fanfic. Why?"

_We can't escape until it's over..._

I gasped in fear. "What! You never said that! You _never_ said that!"

_I figured it was obvious. Now, we need to find a way to end the fic and _fast._ The sooner we get out, the better._

"Well, why don't we kill the Sue?" I offered.

Diesel barked once in excitement. _Hehehe... Never thought about that before..._

"When would be a nice opportunity to assassinate her?"

_I would suggest on the day of the Spring Festival._

"What's that?"

_Well, according to my available information, it is a _festival_... held in _Spring_..._

"Umm... no duh?"

_Hey, I didn't write it!_

"It doesn't matter anyway," I said. Suddenly, an elderly man dressed in orange royal clothing came into the garden.

"Jenna my dear friend, how have ye been?" he asked Jenna.

"Who's he?" I asked Diesel.

_King Zelda, the king of Hyrule._

I snickered to myself. "King... _Zelda?_ That's the _best_ Jenna could do?"

Suddenly, a guard opened up the bush where we were hiding. "Hey, you there!"

I looked to Diesel, then looked back at the guard. "RUN!" Diesel and I said in unison.

And we ran out of there.

* * *

><p>*My magic spellbook is a book that can contain multiple items in a single page (however, it is not infinite). It also contains notes on spells that I have learned and treasure cards, which are summon cards that I can use without having to say a spell's incantation.<p> 


	3. Sue

CHAPTER THREE

~Sue~

We escaped the guards and ran away to Kokiri Forest, hiding behind a tree.

"Okay, remind me why we're here again?" I asked.

_This is where the Spring Festival takes place! Wait, one moment,_ and he began patting the F.F.P.D. _Whew, good. Just bought a new app for it: the Bowdleriser!_

"What's that do?" I asked.

_I'll explain later; just know that _we'll need it_, okay?_

"...If I ask why, I'm certain that I'll regret it."

It was about five minutes later when we heard a voice behind us.

"Excuse me, but who are you?"

Both of us gasped and turned around to find a young girl with green hair behind us.

_Saria,_ Diesel whimpered lightly, and walked over to her.

"What a cute dog you have here!" she said. Then she looked closer at Diesel, skeptically. "Are you... from this canon?"

"N-no... we're from Wizard101."

"...Never heard of it-"

"I know."

She began to walk closer to me. "Have you... I mean... have you met Jenna yet?"

"Yeah, we have."

"My name is Saria. Have either of you played _Ocarina of Time_?"

"Well, I haven't. Diesel has, though."

"Diesel?" I pointed to my dog, and she looked confused.

"He's sapient. Can't speak English, though."

"I see. Well, Diesel," she said as she got on her knees, "You need to find a way to defeat Jenna."

"Well, that should be easy," I said. "I've got two swords and a bow in my backpack. We came here to assassinate her, in fact."

"YOU CAN'T KILL A SUE!" Saria said, as if she was shocked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because..." and she sat down, and motioned me to sit down beside her. "A Sue is... the author's representation of herself in a fanfic. But instead of being exactly like the author, she's different. She exists to bend and manipulate the story, forcing every character to obey her will and the plot to move how she desires... She..." And she began to cry. "She breaks the characters, makes them act outside of canon. It hurts... whenever a Sue is near..."

I began to cry, too. "I'm so sorry, Saria. I'll try to find a way to kill her."

"I just told you, you can't!" Saria said, sobbing softly. "What you have to do... is _break her._"

"Break her? How do I do that?"

"Reveal to the world and to her that she is a Mary Sue. Only a character outside of the fic can do it."

"How do I reveal that she's a Sue?" I asked.

"How did you get to this fic?" she responded, and Diesel pushed the F.F.P.D. to her feet.

"With that," I said.

She picked it up and began touching its screen. Finally, she turned it to me. The screen read:

**Application: Sue Breaker**

Function: Reveal Mary Sues in a second! Fix your fics superbly with this Sue Breaker app! If your character matches too many of these traits, this Sue Breaker app with tell you immediately!

Cost: 200g

"Well, that's convenient," I said.

_Well, this IS a fanfic, Carlos..._ Diesel barked.

I looked at Saria's crying face once more, and back at the Device. "Two hundred gold is too low a price for your freedom," I said.

Saria smiled at me as I pressed the "buy" option on the Device's screen.

_Well, that's good, because that Bowdleriser took 150 gold from your account, _Diesel barked happily.

"...What was that, Diesel?"

"I just remembered! I never asked your name," Saria said to me.

"DarkCaller," I said to her. "Carlos DarkCaller."


	4. Spring Night

CHAPTER FOUR

~Spring Night~

"How come you're against Jenna, Saria?" I asked.

"Because she's a Sue, of course!" she said, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"No, I mean... if she's a Sue and controlling this story, then how are you helping us?"

"An author only controls the portions of the story that he or she writes. Anything outside of the author's text is fair game."

"Ah, I see. Well, what if she comes?"

She began to cry into her hands. "I'll... I'll... become her minion..."

I stared at the crying girl in front of me. I never realizes what writers can do to their story...

...Or how hard it hurts the characters.

Suddenly, a wagon rode into town. I recognized the woman on the horse as Jenna, and a man was sitting behind her, whom I recognized as Link.

"I'm so sorry," I heard Saria whisper behind me before walking over to the crowd of Kokiri and fairies surrounding Jenna and Link. All the Kokiri seemed curious as to who Jenna was.

Saria walked over to Jenna and said to her, "My name is Saria, what's yours?"

"My name is Jenna, it's a pleasure to meet you," Jenna replied.

"Are you the one that came with my friend Link for our Spring Night Festival?"

"Yes he invited me."

I looked at Saria as she spoke to Jenna. Her eyes would sometimes turn over to Link in an almost pleading expression, as if she was trying to say "help me, Link."

But her nonverbal pleading was in vain. Link was in Jenna's hands now.

Still hiding behind the tree with Diesel, I watched the Kokiri have a feast with Jenna and Link. Whilst that went on, some Kokiri were playing music for them.

I looked closely at the table and saw that the Kokiri - a race of _children_ - had bottles of wine on the table! Jenna was the one who was drinking the most, thankfully.

After the feast, Link and Jenna began dancing for an hour or two. It was late into the evening when they were done, and I saw that Jenna was tired. Link took her by the hand and led her into Link's old house from _Ocarina of Time_.

_I'll give ya three guesses as to what they're gonna do_, Diesel barked softly.

"I'm gonna guess... each other," I replied.

_Ding ding ding! We have a winner!_

I rolled my eyes and left the cover of the tree that we were hiding behind. Saria and the rest of the Kokiri walked over to Diesel and I.

"Please, I beg you Carlos," Saria pleaded, "help us. Break the Sue."

The rest of the Kokiri agreed with her and nodded in reply. As I looked at their sad faces, I could tell that they needed this fanfic _done._ I knew how to break a Mary Sue, thanks to the app I downloaded.

Saria took us inside her house to talk to us. "What's the plan?" she asked.

"Umm..." I couldn't think of what to do!

_The wedding_, Diesel barked._ Next chapter._

"What?" I asked.

_I'll buy a Time Skip app on the F.F.P.D.. We're gonna go to the Wedding scene and confront her there!_

"Good idea!"

"What did he just say?" a Kokiri asked.

"According to Diesel, there's a wedding in the next chapter. We'll use the Time Skip function on our portal device to skip ahead and confront her there, in front of all the wedding-goers. Knowing a Mary Sue, she'll probably have all of Hyrule there to witness her breakdown." As I was saying all this, Diesel was tapping the screen of the device with his paws, looking for the Time Skip application.

We were getting ready to break a Sue.


	5. Wedding Crashers

CHAPTER FIVE

~Wedding Crashers~

"We are gathered here today to witness this man and woman being joined in holy matrimony," the preacher began. "This is a special time, a holy time when a man and a woman come together and are joined under the witness of God. May your marriage bring you long life and happiness."

He turned to Link. "Do you, Link, take this woman to be your wife, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death* do you part?"

"Yes I do," Link replied.

The preacher then turned to Jenna. "And do you, Jenna, take this man to be your husband, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?"

"Yes... Yes I do," Jenna softly replied.

"The rings please," the preacher said, gesturing for the ring bearer to bring over the rings. Jenna and Link were handed their rings and Link slid his ring onto Jenna's finger.

"With this ring I thee wed," Link said with passion.

Jenna then took Link's left hand and slid her ring onto his finger. "With this ring I thee wed," she said, looking deeply into his eyes.

The two looked back at the preacher. "If there is anyone who thinks this man and woman should not be joined, let them speak now or forever hold your piece."

BAM!

"OBJECTION!" I yelled.

The entire room gasped and looked around, seeing Diesel and myself, my finger pointed to Jenna as Diesel growled at her.

"And who, might I ask, are you?" Jenna said indignantly.

"Carlos DarkCaller, Ace Wedding Crasher!" I shouted awesomely**. "Diesel, now!"

Diesel tapped the Fan Fiction Portal Device's screen and a bright light came out of the end. Suddenly, the wedding chapel became a courtroom*** where I was the prosecutor, Link was the defense attorney, and King Zelda was the judge.

"I suppose... court is now in session?" the king said. "For the trial of my beloved daughter, Jenna Silverblade!"

The jury began applauding like nuts at the mention of her name.

"The defense is ready, your honor," Link said.

"The prosecution has been ready for months, your honor," I said.

"Does the defense have any opening statements?" the king asked.

"Well-" began Link.

"OBJECTION!" I shouted. "Your honor, the _Prosecution_ makes the opening statements in court!"

"Oh... um, yes yes, quite right. Forgive me, mister..."

"DarkCaller. Carlos DarkCaller. And all I have to say for my opening statement is the following: Jury, do you all support Jenna?"

"YES!" the jury boomed.

"I see that she is unanimously liked in this fanfiction," I said. Link gasped when I said this.

"The defense would like to call a witness," Link said. "Saria of the Kokiri, to be precise."

Saria came out of the jury and onto the witness stand in the center of the room.

"Witness, please state your name and occupation," Link told her.

"Saria the Forest Sage, sir," she replied.

"Miss Saria, please give your thoughts on miss Jenna, please."

"Well, I think Jenna is an amazing person, and I'm soo glad that she and Link are getting married!" she said with a wide smile. "I intend on giving her baby my blessing of friendship! He or she will deserve it! Link definitely deserves someone like her."

Link smiled as she said this.

"When Jenna came to the forest, we welcomed her most highly. The people of the Kokiri Forest held a feast in her honor, and welcomed her as one of our own."

"I see. Thank you, Saria," Link said.

"You're welcome, Link," she said.

"Anything to say about her testimony, Carlos?" Link said.

_Carlos!_ Diesel barked. _What did she say about the feast? It wasn't "held in her honor"! It was for the Spring Festival!_

He was right. "HOLD IT!" I shouted. "Miss Saria!"

"Y-yes?" she replied.

"You said that the feast you had was in Jenna's honor, correct? But in reality," I said as I banged my hands on the table, "it was FOR THE SPRING FESTIVAL!"

Saria winced in pain for a moment, as did Jenna. I could tell that I just broke a bit of her.

"OBJECTION!" Link shouted. "It was actually for Spring Night, the night before the Spring Festival!"

"SO? What does that matter? My point still stand, despite that detail, that the characters of this fanfic are completely centered around Jenna!"

"Um..." Link was speechless. "Uh... can I call another witness?"

"Absolutely, my dear son-in-law!" the king said.

"Thank you. I call to the stand Princess Zelda!" At this, Saria went back into the jury, and Zelda replaced her on the stand.

"Witness, state your name and occupation," Link said.

"Princess Zelda, princess of Hyrule," she replied. I noticed that she was holding an ornate box, decorated with triforce symbols.

"Princess, what is that in your hand?" I asked.

"It's a wedd-"

"OBJECTION!" Link cut her off. "This question is irrelavant to this case!"

"...Fine," I replied.

"Witness, please tell the court your opinion on Jenna," he said.

"Well, I have a rather high opinion of Jenna," Zelda said. "She's my best friend, and we're always in contact except of certain occasions, such as a few months ago when Gannondorf tried to take over Hyrule. Anyway, since Jenna is my best friend, I intended on giving her son or daughter the blessing of knowledge, and I brought this box as a wedding presen-"

"That's enough, witness," Link said, cutting Zelda off.

"OBJECTION!" I yelled. "The box in Zelda's hands has now become an important piece of evidence to her position as a possible Mary Sue!" I banged my hands on the table. "Witness, explain to the court what is inside of that box!"

Zelda gasped loudly. "O-okay..." and she opened the box to reveal a blue potato ocarina inside. "It's the Ocarina of Time. It was to be given to Jenna for a wedding present."

"Aha! I see now!" I said. "Miss Jenna Silverblade!"

"AH!" she shouted from her seat on the defense's side. "Y-yes?"

"All signs point to you being a Mary Sue! The romance with a main character! The royal treatment to a common merchant! And even being given the Ocarina of Time, a sacred magical object, as a wedding present!"

"NOOOOOO!" Jenna shouted.

"Admit it! Admit it to all of Hyrule! Admit that you're a Mary Sue!"

"!" she screamed. Suddenly, with a sound of shattering glass, the courtroom scene fell away and the wedding chapel returned.

"W-what was that?" Link said. "What... the heck just happened?"

"Besides a bad Ace Attorney parody? Your wife is a Mary Sue."

"Wife?"

"Yep."

Link looked at Jenna. She was crying with her head between her legs. "No, she's not my wife."

"No, you said 'I do'."

"But the old man never said 'man and wife'."

"...oh yeah. Forgot about that."

Jenna looked up at me with anger in her eyes. "You... you broke me? You broke my fanfic?"

"You were breaking them. All I did was break the illusion over their eyes."

"In... Nomine... Sclyina..."

"Um... what?"

"Maledicat... Tibi!"

"Me no sprechen Latin, okay? What did you just say?"

Suddenly, Jenna jumped up and her hands lit on fire. Her eyes were filled with hate as she smiled at me.

_Carlos, I think she's mad_, Diesel barked.

"I concur," I replied, a bit scared.

**Enraged Silverlite**

**Jenna Silverblade**

"Hey, what was that?"

_Oh, I bought a Boss Subtitles app when I got the Time Skip app. Pretty neat, huh?_

"Oh yeah, that's very cool- I mean RUN!"

* * *

><p>*I picked a good day to be Death School in Wizard101...<p>

**What do you mean, it's not awesome?

***If you haven't noticed by now, this chapter's a Phoenix Wright shout out.


	6. Farewell

CHAPTER SIX

~Farewell~

Jenna lunged at us with her fiery hands, punching at us... well, not at us, at me. Her powerful punches dealt serious damage to me. Diesel lunged at her leg and bit it hard, distracting her while I tried to pull out my sword.

"Mangy dog... GET OFF ME!" she shouted at Diesel.

Finally, I got my sword out of my spellbook and pointed it at her. "Back off!"

She succeeded in throwing Diesel off her leg and threw a fireball at me. I blocked it with my sword and attacked her with it, successfully knocking her to the ground with it. She got up and kicked me in the face.

Diesel got back up and bit her in the arm, making her have to shake him off again. Suddenly, the ground started shaking and four holes in the floor were made. Out of the holes were coming rocks and geysers, and she looked intent on killing me.

She launched the jets of water at me, blinding me as she launched rocks at my... lower places.

I hunched over in pain on the floor as she walked closer to me. The rocks fell, the water subsided, and the flames in her hands seemed to go out for a moment. "Finally... you'll get what's coming to you... you jerk..."

"Funny, I was expecting something stronger than 'jerk'," I said.

"You must be using another app," she replied. "Something that hinders my speech."

_Oh that must be... the Bowdleriser app..._ Diesel barked weakly.

"And now... I will have what is mine... the entire _Legend of Zelda_ fandom!" she shouted. "I will have Link as my husband! Hyrule as my kingdom! I will have my vengence!" With that, her hands lit on fire again and was about to finally end me.

That is, until she was pushed aside by Link.

"I'm! Not! An! Item!" Link said as he punched her.

Jenna launched a fireball at him and he flew across the room. "You are to me... Honey." She slowly got up and prepared for battle again, when a Goron fist pushed her to the ground from behind.

Darunia.

"Nobody touches my Sworn Brother, Link!" he shouted to Jenna, who was now lying face down on the ground. She tried to get up, and succeeded in turning around. but two feet pinned her hands to the ground. One was a Gerudo foot and the other was a Kokiri foot.

Nabooru and Saria.

"I... I will have my revenge against you, Carlos DarkCaller! If it's the last thing I'll-"

"Yeah, I don't think so," Nabooru cut Jenna off.

"You're really crazy, you know that?" Saria told her.

Jenna began kicking her legs, but then two others held her legs down, a Zora and a Sheikah.

Ruto and Impa.

"You do know that Link's _my_ fiancée, right?" Ruto told her.

"I doubt that you'll torment Hyrule any longer, Jenna!" Impa said.

"No... I WILL have Hyrule! It will be mine!" she said, roaring like a tiger.

Behind Jenna, an old man and a young woman walked toward her, looking down at the now-pitiful being.

Rauru and Princess Zelda.

"Princess, shall we seal her in place?" Rauru said.

Zelda nodded. The seven sages began to use their power to seal Jenna in place... and they succeeded. The sages who were pinning her down got up and walked away from her body, now frozen in place, yellow light shining around her.

"I... will... have... revenge... Carlos... DarkCaller!" she said. "Scylina... will... find... you... and... end... you..."

"Yeah, I don't think so," I replied to her, trying get up from my spot. Just then, Link walked up in front of me and extended a hand.

"Need any help?" he asked.

I took his hand as he helped me up. "T-thanks!"

"No problem! Now... can I finish this? After all, she was using _me_."

"Oh, of course!" I said, smiling. "You _are_ the main character."

Link got out the Master Sword and pointed it at Jenna. "Goodbye, Sue."

"Link... I'm not a monster! I'm your wife!" she pleaded.

"No. You're a manipulative monster who uses others for her own purposes. I have a _duty_ to Hyrule to remove monsters like you from this land. I'm sorry, Jenna. I really am." And he took his sword...

...And you can figure out the rest.

"Carlos?" Saria said, walking towards me. "Thank you."

"Me? I didn't do anything," I replied.

"You revealed that she was a Mary Sue," Zelda said. "And for that, we're eternally grateful."

I smiled at her. "Well, I was glad to help."

"If there's anything we can do for you, Carlos, let us know," Saria told me.

"Well, how would I be able to contact you?" I asked.

_...Phone app? Only 200 gold!_ Diesel barked.

"Okay!" I told him. "Diesel's gonna buy a phone app so I can communicate with you all."

"Great!" Link said. "We'd be glad to talk to you!"

Diesel tapped the Fan Fiction Portal Device and bought the Phone app, and was getting ready to press the Fanfic Portal button, which would make a portal home... hopefully.

"Is there anything we can do for you before you leave?" Impa asked.

I looked at Diesel, who was ready to press the button. "...Nah. I think we're good. Besides," and I showed them the stone cicle necklace with a triforce in the center that I got from Jenna. "I already got a souvenir. Or, should I say, a Sue-venir?"

Absolute silence.

"Geddit? Sue-venir? Like Mary Sue crossed with souven- nothing?"

"Nothing." Link replied, while everyone shook their heads.

I sighed. "Well, we've gotta go anyway, right, Diesel?"

Diesel barked yes, then tapped the F.F.P.D.'s screen one last time, causing a blue light to come out and hit the wall, creating a blue portal which would take us home.

I looked at the people of Hyrule one last time. They looked... free. They looked at me as though I had just saved them from a terrible, manipulating tryant.

And I did, but still, it was strange. I'm not usually a big hero, but I still had to fight and save them. It was then that I vowed to myself to destroy any and all tyrants that I come across, with the sole intent of saving lives.

"Goodbye, everyone," I said. "It was a pleasure meeting all of you!"

"It was nice to meet you too, Carlos," Saria said to me.

And then, everyone in the room said goodbye to me. Without a doubt, I shed a tear while smiling at them. All of Hyrule had just wished me luck on my return home.

So, Diesel and I stepped into the portal and found ourselves...

...in a forest.


	7. Legolas

CHAPTER SEVEN

~Legolas~

_Carlos?_ Diesel barked to me. _This doesn't look like our castle._

"Nope," I replied, "it looks more like a forest to me."

Suddenly, Diesel and I heard a voice, along with the cries of a baby, coming from further in the forest.

"Your name is going to be Laura," the voice said.

_Hey, let's see if that voice knows where we are!_ Diesel barked, now running towards the voice.

I ran after him, hoping to find out our location. When we finally got to where the voice was coming from, we saw Legolas from _The Lord of the Rings_, riding away on horseback!

Diesel barked at him._ Hey, get back here, you- hey wait, isn't that Legolas?_

"I think we've stumbled onto a _Lord of the Rings_ fanfic," I replied.

_Hey, let's follow him!_ Diesel barked, then he began chasing after Legolas.

We were in hot pursuit of the elf when suddenly, he pulled out a bow and arrow and began firing at us!

Diesel successfully dodged all the arrows, but I took one to the knee. Nevertheless, I continued running... once I had pulled it out, of course.

After running for some time, Legolas had made it to a castle. It didn't look familiar to me, but then again I haven't seen a _Lord of the Rings_ movie in ages.

Legolas walked inside and we followed suit, but remained hidden from him in the shadows.

After sneaking around in the dark corners we made it to the Throne Room of the castle. Diesel and I were still hidden from view as Legolas addressed the king and queen.

"Father mother I found this little baby in the woods," Legolas told them.

_What's with Legolas? Hasn't he ever heard of a comma?_ Diesel quietly barked.

Just then, Legolas' mother walked down the steps of the platform where their thrones were towards Legolas. "How can people put baby in the woodsand to die?" she asked.

_This is immensely stupid dialogue_.

"We are going to keep her," Legolas' father said. Legolas grew a wide smile at this.

_Ugh, I can't stand this any longer! Let me use the F.F.P.D., Carlos! Pleeeeeese!_

"...Fine," I whispered to him.

Suddenly, a bright light came around us and we were still in the same place, although the throne room was empty.

"Diesel?"

_Oops, sorry. That was the Time Skip app. I think we went ahead by... ten years?_

"Ten years?" I said.

_Yeah, ten years. Sorry, Carlos, we can't leave yet._


	8. Meanwhile

CHAPTER EIGHT

~Meanwhile~

Looking out a window in the Castle, I saw Legolas teaching a girl how to ride a horse. I could only assume it was that girl from ten years earlier. Diesel and I decided to go upstairs and look around at this castle.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, in another place:<em>

_"W-where am I?" asked the young woman, now scared of what just happened. Somehow, she had vanished to another world, in pitch blackness._

_"You are inside," a deep voice said. "Inside of the connecting place for stories..."_

_"W-what?"_

_"Listen to me! It is of utmost importance that you listen..._

_"...Jenna."_

* * *

><p>Diesel and I looked around an ornate bedroom, covered with marvellous decorations and furniature. The room smelled pleasant, and the bed in the room looked much more comfortable than the last bed they were in.<p>

"Ahh... this is the life..." I said.

_You said it, Carlos, _Diesel replied.

"I could lie here forever..." I said.

Before Aragorn, Legolas, Gandalf, and that girl walked in.

And then the girl said, "Thief! Intruder! Get him, Legolas!"

"Okay, Laura," Legolas replied, pulling out a bow and arrow and getting ready to attack.

Diesel and I immediately got up and jumped out the window...

...not realizing we were on the third floor.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, in the dark place...<em>

_"Jenna, do you want revenge?"_

_"Yes... more than anything! My life was ruined because of-"_

_"Then you must listen to me. I know how you can take your revenge. Just let me explain..."_

* * *

><p>Diesel and I were running from the castle, when we had somehow made it all the way to Mordor.<p>

"How the...?" I said. "How the heck did we get to Mordor from Mirkwood in less than a day?"

Diesel pointed behind us. The castle at Mirkwood was only 5 miles away.

"Oh, I see."

Just then, we saw some orcs running over to the castle in Mirkwood. I pulled out my sword and prepared to fight.

"You thinking what I'm thinking, Diesel?"

_Castle defending time?_

"CASTLE DEFENDING TIME!"

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, at the same place as before...<em>

_"Your plan seems flawless... but how do I carry it out?"_

_"You must find your enemy's weakness. I will open the gateway into DarkCaller's fanfiction. You know what to do from there."_

_"Thank you... your Majesty."_


	9. The Rescue Mission

CHAPTER NINE

~The Rescue Mission~

A few hours later, we made it back to Mirkwood. The orcs were invading the castle, but only one room. They seemed to be running back as quickly as they could. I saw that they were carrying that Laura girl away!

"Great, didn't even get to kill one of them," I said.

Just then, Gandalf, Legolas, and Aragon appeared behind us.

"We need help trying to save Laura can you help us?" asked Legolas. "Laura is my adapted sister and I need her saves."

"Umm... What?"

"My name is Legolas this is Gandolf and Strdier," he said. "Help us save Laura please."

"Well... I dunno, should we, Diesel?"

_We should still try to save her_, Diesel said. _Even if she might be a Sue, she's still a human._

"Okay, we'll help!"

"Great thanks!" Legolas said. "I will go get the Elf armies stay here and wait." And then the three of them left.

When they came back an hour later, Legolas had a huge army of elves behind him. "Okay now well go save Laura," Legolas said. "To Mondor!"

_Doesn't he mean Mordor? _Diesel barked.

"The author must be a poor speller," I assumed.

"The arme of Milkwood shall save Laura!" Legolas shouted, and then the army began to march.

So the five of us, along with the elven army behind us set out from "Milkwood" to "Mondor", prepared to do whatever was possible to save Laura.

* * *

><p>We finally got to the front gates of a huge castle in the middle of Mordor (apparently one <em>can<em> simply walk into Mordor) when Legolas yelled to the Dark Lord who was at the top of the gates.

"Let Laura go," he said.

"No," the Dark Lord replied.

"Um... no?" I asked. "Just... no?"

"No," he replied again.

"...Well, okay then."

Legolas turned to his allies - along with Diesel and me - and began to tell us his plan:

"Right lisson I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find a way in."

"Alright," replied Strdier (aka Aragorn), and then Legolas began climbing the castle walls to get in through a carved window near the top. The rest of us ran inside the castle.

"I'll will go and kill the Dark Lord and you and the others go and help Legolas," Gandalf said.

"Becareful," Strdier said.

"I will don't you worry about me," Gandalf replied before running down a dark hallway.

"I'm getting sick of the horrible speaking issues in this place!" I shouted in anger.

_Yeah, it's getting old_, Diesel agreed before running behind Gandalf. I ran in the direction of Legolas and Strider - oh I'm sorry, it's "Strdier" - to help them save Laura.

A while later we made it to the cell where Laura was being kept. Legolas knocked on the door and asked, "Laura are you in there?"

And then Laura said, "Oh Legolas you finally came!"

"Are you alright?" Legolas asked her.

And then Laura said, "No I am not alright."

"They bet you up and raped you also the Dark Lord gave you the posion."

_Well, that's... dark_, I thought.

And then Laura said, "How do you know that."

"When I was your age, they did the same thing to me," Legolas replied.

"Wait... WHAT?" I yelled. "You- she- I- SWEET MOTHER TOLKIEN this is messed up! That has to be the darkest retcon EVER!"

And then Laura said, "Can you get me out of here."

"Ok stand back," Legolas said. He then ran backwards to the opposite wall and ran into the door, knocking it over.

And then Laura said, "Wow."

Legolas got up from the floor quickly just as soon as a number of orcs pushed me aside and ran into the jail cell.

Legolas was looking over Laura, who was naked, covered in blood and scars.

"Why they did it to you not me?" Legolas said.

"Because she got a power and she can distoy all the bad guys," the orcs said... in unison, for some reason.

_DisTOY you?_ I thought. _So, she can stop you from being made into action figures? Not much of a Sue-per Power, if you ask me._

Legolas quickly pulled out his bow and arrows and began rapid-firing them at the orcs. I drew my sword and began hacking and slashing at the orcs around me (although they seemed more concerned with attacking Laura).

And then it just got _wierd_.

After a moment of fighting orcs, a bunch of swords appeared besides Legolas. "Strdier, is that you?" Legolas asked the swords.

"Yes it is," one of the swords replied.

I'd rather not repeat the words I said after that, since the Bowdlerizser app didn't seem to censor them. Aragorn - aka Strdier - was now a sword.

"HOW!? WHAT!? WHY!?" I shouted, hacking and slashing violently at orcs, rapidly cutting them up into small pieces.


	10. Diesel's Side, Diesel's Story

CHAPTER TEN

~In Which The Narrative Switches To Diesel's Point of View~

Hello everyone! My name is Prince Diesel, and Carlos wanted me to share my side of the story!

So, I ran down the hall with Gandalf, growling ferociously as I went. The corridors were made of dark stone, and a thick stench of death lingered throughout the castle. Eventually, we reached the very top of the castle. The Dark Lord Sauron stood there, though certainly not as menacing as his literary or film appearances.

He turned around to look at us, his eyes burning with intense hatred. "You fools! You desire to die do you then u shal die!"

I lunged at him while Gandalf attacked with his magic blasts. "Use! Better! Sentence! Structure!" I barked while chomping on his leg. He kicked me off and reflected Gandalf's magic blasts back at him.

"You foolish fools!" Sauron said. "NOW FELL TRU POWUUUUUUUR!"

**Egregious Dark Lord**

**Sauron**

Sauron raised his hands forward, summoning from a burst of flame his sword, inscribed with words in the Black Speech. His eyes burned with great hatred as he lunged towards Gandalf, who used his staff and sword to fight him off. Since my bites weren't harming him, I decided to start using my healing powers on Gandalf.

I stood on my back legs, doing a sort of dance as my body began glimmering in grey light, slowly changing to green as I danced. A portal appeared before me on the ground, green and black in color, releasing a small fairy that span around Gandalf, healing his wounds and weariness.

"Thank you bunches!" said Gandalf.

"Anytime," I barked.

As the two fought, I continued casting my healing magic on Gandalf periodically. He seemed to be enjoying the fight, almost having fun during it.

Minutes passed when Gandalf said, "I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here."

"I doubt four hobbits would be of much use," I barked.

Suddenly, a sword appeared out of nowhere, floating in midair beside Gandalf. A voice came from the sword, which said "Some wished us here."

"Frodo Baggins why you doing here," Gandalf said to the sword.

My mind nearly broke from this. Somehow, Gandalf had unwittingly conjured Frodo in the form of a sword inexplicably. I could hardly comprehend the writing of this fanfiction - wait, let me rephrase that: I could not, in the very slightest, comprehend what was going on in this utterly mad story.

"We came to help you and also we got rid of the ring," Frodo said from inside the sword.

"Oh no," Sauron said, completely deadpan.

Gandalf then lifted his staff and cast a powerful spell at Sauron, causing him to explode! The explosion was Hollywood, however, and wasn't even very large.

After this, Carlos, Strdier, Legolas, and Laura ran into the room. Laura was naked and bloodied, wearing nothing but Strdier's cape.

"Woah!" I barked loudly. "What happened here?"

"Don't ask," Carlos said, covered in orc blood - I could tell by its smell.

And so, we started to return to Milkwood from Mondor.


	11. A Choice Is Made

CHAPTER ELEVEN

~A Choice Is Made~

And now, I return as the narrator of the story.

A few hours had passed and we were now walking back to Milkwood Castle. Most of us were walking, except for Laura who was lying on a horse they had gotten somehow.

"We must go to Rivendell to get Laura better," Legolas said.

"I think you are right," Gandalf said.

Took you this long to realize that?

Diesel snarked.

The whole party was now walking in the direction of Rivendell rather than Milkwood.

We continued walking for some time when Legolas looked at Laura, placing his hand on her forehead. Laura looked sickly, obviously dying from the poison.

Strdier stood on the other side of the horse. "She is getting worse," he told Legolas.

"I know," Legolas replied.

* * *

><p>Hours had passed as we continued walking to Rivendell. Finally, we had made it. Legolas and Strdier placed Laura on a bed in one of the houses, sitting by her side until she got better.<p>

A thought then passed through my mind: I remembered a spell that could cure most cases of poisoning, so long as it wasn't too powerful or caused by magical means. It wouldn't be too hard to heal Laura, I thought.

But then I remembered something else: She's a Sue. Because of her, every character's dialogue has been changed, along with their personalities. The geography had been horribly altered, twisting and warping without rhyme or reason. It was all because of _her_. Letting her die would be better than making this world worse.

...wouldn't it?

I thought about this for hours, leaving the room where Laura lay sleeping, watched by Legolas. If she died, the world would be fixed, just like in My Inner Life; but if I let her die, I would be killing another person. I would be no better than a Sue.

The moral dillemma played out in my mind over and over. I wasn't sure what I would do.

* * *

><p>The incantation was long and drawn out. The effects were slow, but it was almost certain she would live.<p>

I made my choice.

Days passed by with Legolas sitting by her side. The Time Skip app made it easier for Diesel and me. Laura was going to live, of that I was certain. I didn't know if my choice was entirely right, but I did not want another human's blood on my hands. If I let her die, then that would be my falut.

...FAULT! Argh, the spelling errors are spreading!

* * *

><p>FEW DAYS LATER<p>

Laura finally woke up. Legolas kissed Laura on the lips - pretty creepy since Laura is around 10 and Legolas is an immortal elf, plus the fact that Laura is his adopted sister - and the two hugged.

"Are you alright," Legolas asked.

And then Laura said, "Yes I am."

"I am soo happy," Legolas said, smiling.

And then Laura said, "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

"Yes I will be your boyfriend," Legolas replied.

The realization that I just let an unrepentant canon-consuming Sue live hit me. I wasn't going to kill her, but I was certainly going to break this Sue.

I rushed up to her, shouting "Object-"

That was all I got to say before she used a magic spell to launch me across the room and against the wall.

She turned back to Legolas, the two kissing again. It was disqusting on so many levels.

And then Laura said, "What happened to me?"

"You got kidnapped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark Lord gave you some posion," Legolas replied, concerned for her safety.

And then Laura said, "Why I can only move one arm?"

"Your left arm is broken," Legolas replied sadly.

Then the door beside us opened. Strdier walked in.

And then Laura said, "Hello Strider!"

"I see you are awake," Strdier replied.

Laura flashed us an evil smile. And then Laura-

"AAAAAAAHHHH!"

-died.


	12. Mother Goddess

CHAPTER TWELVE

~Mother Goddess~

Laura's screams were piercing. A reptilian hand had burst from her chest, and she fell to the ground, bleeding and dead. The hand drew back, and I saw the stange creature - no, the monster completely: It was a humanoid woman, wearing a white dress, but had reptilian arms with long fingers and claws, a pair of dragon wings with spikes on the edges, and a leonine head. Her face was both kind and motherly, but cruel and terrible at once. She was covered in brown fur from head to toe, excluding her reptilian hands, and was well-trimmed. Her feet were like those of a gargoyle, having three claws.

"At last," she said, looking towards Diesel and me, "I have found my prey." Her voice was both kind and wicked at once.

I could hardly speak to this terrifying monster. "Wh-who are you?"

"I am Sclyina," she roared. "The Mother Goddess. The Devine Creator. She-Who-All-Children-Are-Derived-From. I have come for you-"

Strdier, now Aragorn again, ran up to her wielding his blade. He attacked, but the sword had no effect. Sclyina pushed him aside. Legolas began firing arrows at the monster, but each one glinted off her flesh, breaking apart as they hit the ground. Gandalf tried to use his magic, but it wouldn't work. His magic wouldn't activate at all.

Diesel and I were so afraid, we couldn't even attack. We tried to back away slowly, but we couldn't escape.

"I have come to protect my creation," she said, now only a few feet from us. We blacked out as she walked closer.

We came to much later. My eyes slowly tried to open as I awoke. I ached all over as I got up. I was lying on grass, the greenest grass I had ever seen. You know how on grass, there's a bit of brown at the tip? This grass didn't have that. It was pure green.

Looking around, I saw cobblestone streets and goldenlampposts surrounding many patches of this pure grass. Golden stones made up the houses and buildings in this curious landscape. The sky was deep pink and lavender, showing me that it was sundown.

I struggled to get up, looking around for Diesel. He was nowhere to be seen.

"Diesel!" I shouted in vain. In the distance, I saw a large white building that looked like a temple. Deciding that Diesel might be in there, I ran to it.

As I reached the large ivory doors of the temple, I realized that I needed to prepare myself for whatever may be in there. That monster - Sclyina - may be in there, I thought.

I tried to pull out my bow. It wasn't there. I was left defenseless, without even a wand to cast the weakest spells with. "Great, just great," I muttered aloud.

I opened the doors, entering the dimly lit ivory corridor. I walked through nervously, feeling more alone than ever before. I finally reached the end of the hallway, where another pair of ivory doors stood, smaller than before, but only slightly.

Opening them, I entered a large round room with pearl-white walls. It had a dome-shaped ceiling, where beautiful paintings of various species of life were hung.

In the center of the paintings was something I did not believe I would see here: The Triforce. The three golden triangles of Power, Wisdom, and Courage was in this room, in the center of the paintings on the ceiling.

In the center of the Triforce was a small white crystal, which gave off a white glow that illuminated the room.

I must have stared at the Triforce and the crystal for at least a good two minutes before I realized I was not alone. On the other side of the room was a pink cat-like creature with blue eyes and a long tail, floating on air without the aid of wings. It wore a sort of crystal ring on its tail, a golden necklace with a red crystal embedded in it, and held a crystal ball in its hands.

"Um... hello," I said.

It moved over towards me and stopped right in front of me, hovering over the ground.

"Who are you?" the cat asked.

"I-I'm Carlos. Who... are you?"

"Me? I am the Guardian of Truth. I am the Wisest and Gentlest of the Four Guardians. I am the Protector of Light. Shunned from my home on Mewtonia, I became the first to take flight under the wing of the Mother. I am She-Who-Maintains-Order-In-A-Now-Torrential-Storm. I am Mew, number one hundred and fifty one."

"Mew? As in, the Pokemon?" I asked.

"Yes. So you have heard of me?"

"Well, I don't think you, specifically-"

"Why are you here, child?" she interrupted.

"I... don't know. I just appeared here. I blacked out when that monster-"

"MONSTER?!" Mew snapped, shouting at me. "SHE IS SCLYINA, THE MOTHER GODDESS. YOU SHALL TREAT HER WITH THE HIGHEST RESPECT!"

"Aah!" I shouted. I tried to back out of there, but Mew put up a psychic wall behind me and I could not escape.

"Shall I show you what happens to those who disrespect our Mother?" she screeched, hovering ever closer to me. Her eyes burned with rage, and I felt the terror flow through me. I was about to die, alone and defenseless.

_At least it's against a Legendary_, I thought to myself, allowing one last moment of levity before I died.

I shut my eyes, preparing for the worst, when I heard a familiar voice.

_Aww, c'mon, Carlos, ya can't just quit like that!_


	13. Discovering New Powers

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

~Discovering New Powers~

It was Diesel at the other end of the room.

_C'mon, Carlos! _he barked. _What's the matter? Are you gonna let this _kitten _take you down?_

"Kitten!" she growled menacingly, turning around to meet Diesel. "I am the Guardian of Truth, the-"

_Yeah, yeah_, Diesel interrupted. _Look, Kitty, if you're so tough, then bring it on._

"I AM MEW, AND YOU SHALL ADDRESS ME AS SUCH."

_Mew? Please. I've MET Mew._

"You have not," she scoffed.

_Look, you wanna battle or not? Because I'm more than prepared to kick your little pink tail all over this temple._

"Fool. What child would dare threaten a Guardian of Sclyina?"

_Me? I'm the Fierce Hound, the conqueror of Sauron, the Fanfic-Jumping Dog of Awesome! I'm Prince Diesel! But you can call me Diesel the Sue Killer! Has a nice ring to it, dontcha think?!_

Silence swept over the room as the two stared each other down. I tried to find my swords, my bow, my spellbook, SOMETHING to help him with, but there was nothing.

"Bring. It. On." Mew said.

Diesel lunged at her, trying to tackle her, but Mew swiftly dodged out of the way. As Diesel fell to the ground, he quickly turned around in time to see Mew put her hands together, levitating her crystal ball before forming a light blue orb of energy around it.

She fired the orb at Diesel, who was sent flying backwards. The crystal ball remained in her hands, however.

"Diesel!" I cried out.

Diesel got up. _No worries, Carlos; I'm part Dark-type. Didn't hurt me one bit._

"You shall soon feel the pain regardless," Mew said.

Diesel leaped up and bit into Mew's leg, dragging her down.

"Let go of me, you mangy mutt!" Mew shouted, trying to kick Diesel off.

Eventually, she succeeded in pushing Diesel off, placing a psychic barrier between the two like she had done over the entrance to this chamber.

Diesel took this opportunity to heal, getting on his hind legs to summon the healing pixie again.

However, as he did this, Mew began to glow white. The ground began to shake, and the crystal ball Mew held levitated again as a silver ball of energy was created in front of her.

The silver ball was launched and hit Diesel hard. He flew across the room, this time hitting the wall.

"DIESEL!" I shouted, getting to my feet at last.

N-no worries Carlos!

Diesel assured, getting back on his feet. _That didn't hurt too bad. Just wish I had a chance to-_

WHAM! Another light blue orb of energy hit Diesel. I rushed up to him, but ran into another barrier made by Mew.

"Stay out of this, mortal!" Mew screeched. "This is a battle of Pokémon, not weaklings like you."

Diesel got up yet again. _Did you... Just call my master... A WEAKLING!?_

Diesel rushed up to Mew, pouncing to attack it, but Mew used another light blue orb to blast him back, making him hit the wall again.

I got on my hands and knees. "Mew! Stop this!" I tried to get out. I was crying harder than ever before.

_Un... Unforgivable! _Diesel barked loudly. He got up once again, looking much weaker than before. _I promised I wouldn't do this... But you leave me no choice!_

Diesel pounced, biting Mew on the leg again and dragging her down once more.

"Filthy mutt!" Mew shouted again, along with other obscenities that, fortunately, were in Pokémon speak and not in English.

Diesel pinned her down and proceeded to lift his leg.

"Oh, no..." Mew said. "You... you're not going to-"

_You bet I am!_

"NO! PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!"

Diesel did exactly what you think he did. Mew was now covered in Diesel's... yeah.

Diesel got off of the now-soaked Mew. _Now I'm not the ONLY filthy one._

Mew got on her paws and tried to spit the stuff out. "Disgusting! What kind of Pokémon are you?!"

_Actually, I'm only half-Pokémon,_ Diesel replied. _It's a long story, but the main thing is that my dad's a Houndoom and my mom is a Fierce Hound._

The psychic barriers broke down and Diesel went back to me, pouncing on my and licking me. _Oh, Carlos!_ he said excitedly. _I missed you, I missed you, I missed you!_

"I missed you too, Diesel!" I said, petting him.

Diesel turned back to Mew once more. _Oh, by the way, Kitten, my pee's highly flammable._

"Disgusting vermin! Vile creature!" Mew cried out to us as we walked out.

"Don't worry, at least you aren't Fire-type!" I told her.


	14. The Fifth Dimension

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

~The Fifth Dimension~

We left the temple and were now standing outside of the ivory doors. "What happened to you, Diesel?" I asked.

_Well_, Diesel barked, _right after I fainted, I found myself behind that temple. I used the F.F.P.D. to find where you were and get to you._

"Wait, you've been buying more apps with my gold?!"

_Hey, it's for the greater good!_ Diesel barked. I took the F.F.P.D. off the strap on his back and read through the app list.

"Sue Breaker... Phone App... Time Skip... Ah, here's the Map App!"

I tapped it, and discovered where we were.

"Okay, so this fanfic is called Mother Goddess," I said, reading what the app said. "This world is called the Fifth Dimension, and we are currently at the Temple of Seeking. Now, the only other landmark I currently see is the Castle of Sclyina."

_How did you pronounce that?_ Diesel barked confusedly.

"Sa-lee-nah," I replied. "That's how she pronounced it."

_Ah, okay._

"Now, then, let me use that Teleport app to get in the-" I said, tapping the F.F.P.D.'s screen to get to the Teleport App.

**ERROR**

**Signal Blocked**

**Cannot teleport to any area or to any person currently**

**Please call Judgment Software's Help Line at 555-JDGM**

"How inconvenient," I sighed, showing the screen to Diesel.

_Well, it IS a fanfic, Carlos..._

"I guess we'll just have to walk, then..."

Why do we want to go over to Sclyina's castle, anyway? Diesel barked.

"I think she has my stuff," I replied. "Plus, I kinda want to beat her up."

So we walked all the way to Sclyina's castle. The landscape around us was beautiful and filled with a surprising amount of creatures, many of which were either ordinary animals or species from other worlds. Many rare creatures covered the landscape, playing and exploring the vast fields of this strange land.

As we walked, we saw the clouds form creatures that we had seen before: some ordinary, others mythical, and some that we had never seen before. Finally, after what seemed an hour - though never seeming tedious or boring, due to the peaceful landscape - we had reach the castle.

The castle was huge, made with gold and silver stones and having imagery of the Triforce on many of the walls. In front of the drawbridge was a platform with the Triforce.

_Hey!_ Diesel barked. _Listen!_

"...Say that again and you're sleeping outside."

_Sorry. Anyhow, this platform is just like those Triforce platforms in Ocarina of Time! If you stand on it and play Zelda's Lullaby on the Ocarina of Time, you can activate something with it!_

"Great! But I don't own an Ocarina of Time."

_Right... forgot about that._

Diesel was silent for a moment, before moving to stand on the platform and barking.

"What are you doing?"

Clearing my vocal cords, Diesel barked back. Ahem...

(Diesel)

_Go to sleep_

_Hush, don't make a peep_

_Hush, my princess Zelda dear..._

_Rest your head_

_And hear now what's said_

_Go to sleep, don't fear..._

"Are... are you singing Zelda's lullaby?"

_Well, barking, and it's only my interpretation..._

"When did this become a songfic?" I said, before standing on the platform with him, humming the tune.

(Diesel)

_Go to sleep_

_Hush, don't make a peep_

_Hush, my princess Zelda dear..._

_Rest your head_

_And hear now what's said_

_Go to sleep, don't fear..._

_Sleep, and sleep peacefully_

_Dream, and dream beautifully_

_Hear this lullaby, Zelda..._

To my amazement, the great doors to the castle opened.

"Did... did we just do that?" I asked in amazement.

_Yep!_ Diesel barked happily.

"I hope this story doesn't suddenly become a songfic..." I said, the two of us walking into the castle.


End file.
